Sarah J spoke with Rebecca Maddox about her new book

In 2011 more than twice as many women as men in a study said they had made mistakes with ex-partners - 44 per cent compared to 20 per cent. The most common disappointment was romance, with nearly one in five of those questioned saddened that a relationship hadn't worked. Tackling some of the issues women face in the pursuit of romance is a new book 20 First Dates. Sarah J spoke to Rebecca Maddox to hear some of her experiences.

Sarah: You've just written your first book, 20 First Dates, what's it about?

Rebecca: It's the humorous account of the Christian woman's search for the Mr Right. It's basically the story of how I decided to get pro-active about finding somebody to marry in the church and my adventures doing that. I decided to go out on 20 dates, with 20 different guys, who I met in 20 different ways, as an experiment to see how I could meet people and whether it would actually work.

Sarah: Before you took on the 20 first dates challenge, had you already decided that at the end of it you would write a book?

Rebecca: It didn't work exactly like that. I basically was on the lookout for somebody and I have been for quite a while to be honest. I also had lots of other female friends who are single in the church and I felt a lot of the messages that we were getting from other people in the church and other married couples, was that we should just wait and God would provide us with a husband in due course, when the time is right and that we should just trust in him and not actually do anything. Our experiences and the evidence of what was happening though was that we were waiting, but nothing was really happening and despite the fact that there are men in the church, it just wasn't happening. So I got thinking and I thought, well, if I was looking for a new job or something like that, I would pray about it obviously and wait on God, but I would also look at the job adverts and work on my CV and make applications and take action and put effort in. I would trust in God that the right type of job would come about, but also make sure that I was taking actions that were needed. I thought, well if I take that approach to finding a job, why not do it to finding a man or a partner? Rather than just having the attitude that's just seeing what came along, I thought, why not go out and try and meet people, in a godly way? The basic thing was to just try, rather than just waiting.

Sarah: You decided to try out different ways of meeting a guy, so can you talk me through some different scenarios of how you did that?

Rebecca: I decided to start close to home and have a look in my own church. I tried that and it didn't work, so with some friends, we then went to another church. It sounds terrible, going to a church, just to see if there are any eligible men there, but it was very enriching actually. We met new people and made new friends and realised that there are other people in other churches in the same situation. Those were two ways and then there was a recommendation from a friend or family member; that actually worked really well and I met a really nice guy through that. That didn't work out because obviously, I was writing a book at the time and I did tell my dates about it. Then there were more contrived ways, I suppose you'd call it; things like speed dating, single's websites and singles holidays. There's all kinds of things out there in the Christian world and it's just a shame that there seems to be quite a stigma attached to pro-actively looking. People feel a bit embarrassed sometimes about saying that they're looking for someone. I guess part of the reason for writing the book is to say, there are other people out there in your situation and don't worry and just go for it.

Sarah: How did you get over some of the gender stereotypes, because there's a little bit of a stereotype of 'it should really be the boy that asks the girl'?

Rebecca: Yeah, I think as girls and women in the church, we can give out signals more than perhaps we realise, so, I think, you can actually convey to a guy that you would quite like to go on a date, or you're really not interested and you want them to stay well away. Although, obviously, it does take courage for the guy to ask and I have to say for the purposes of this book I did just ask people on dates, which did take some guts. I'm glad I did it and I do have evidence from friends that it can work that way round because someone I know recently married his girlfriend and she asked him on the first date.

Sarah: In terms of some of the experiences that you had when you went out on these dates, can you give me some examples of some random things that happened to you?

Rebecca: I discovered as I went on the dates that the best thing that you can do when deciding where to go is to choose a place where you feel like you're really going to shine and enjoy yourself; one date I went to the zoo. I thought this will be great, because I'll be really enthusiastic and he was really keen as well, but as it turns out, we had a somewhat eventful day and almost everything went wrong that could have gone wrong. We got lost on the way there; we got stuck in traffic; a nanny was crossing the road in front of our car very slowly and my date got out trying to help her and she thought she was being attacked. She screamed for help and he ran away and it was just a very bizarre day. Then a tiger squirted at us, which was interesting and my ice cream fell off the cone, but we had a very good time and he was a good guy. Not the right one for me, but...

Sarah: But it was fun!

Rebecca: Yeah! Exactly. I think if you are going on dates, I would say be adventurous about the places that you choose to go. It doesn't always have to be drinks and a dinner, or the traditional things. There are lots of different things that you can do and have fun along the way, because it's all part of the journey to finding out who you are as well as finding out who you should be with.

Sarah: So out of different places that you've gone to that are a little bit out of the ordinary, what would be the main place that was different and off your radar in terms of a first date?

Rebecca: Well, I think the zoo was one of my favourites; also I went to the park and went rowing. It's good if you're trapped in a boat with someone, you know whether you'll be able to live with them or put up with them I think. I met somebody at a Christian festival, so that was really good and a good chance to get to know him.

Sarah: Did you have a stereotype in your mind of the kind of guy that you wanted to be with?

Rebecca: That's a very interesting thing that I did a lot of thinking and soul searching about during the course of the research for the book. I came to the conclusion that you do have to have certain standards, for example, I really want be with a Christian because they can understand my perspective on faith and they know God and it just makes life possible. Also, having children; I'm really keen to start a family and so that's another deal breaker I suppose, but then there are other things which probably can be ruled out, like being really tall and having dark hair for example, or sharing all of my interests. It would be great to share some of them, but having a passion for travel and particularly in East Africa, so that we can go out there and set up a project together, sometimes I find myself thinking like that and then I've thought, hang on a sec; this isn't very realistic really is it? Am I giving myself the best chance of meeting a guy, by putting so many conditions on it? I have to say, the answer's probably no. I think we all see that from time to time we have this idea in our mind, but I think the reality of life means that being content with someone who's good enough is important.

Sarah: What do you want the readers to glean from your book?

Rebecca: I think a sense of optimism about being single and looking for somebody. There's a lot of fear and pessimism out there that we just won't find the right person for us and particularly around the fact that sources say there aren't as many men as women in the church for example. I think a lot of my friends have felt quite gloomy about the prospect of them finding anybody at some point in their Christian walk. Many of them have actually now found people in their late 20s, early 30s. I think it's a good time of life to find somebody, rather than feeling that you have to meet somebody when you're young and marry your first boyfriend. It's a good time to meet someone because you know a bit more about who you are; you've had a chance to serve God as a single person and I'd say overall, optimism is the point of the book and I'm enjoying searching for the right person, rather than worrying too much about it.

You can buy 20 First Dates from Cross Rhythms Direct for only £8.54.