Baz Gascoyne dispels the lie

Due to this incident the anger continued to build up for the next 10yrs and it would manifest itself whenever I played football or rugby. It would be released on any of my opponent's heads or legs depending on the game. As I continued carrying this hurt around I was determined to be a man and not cry over spilt milk! No one was going to hurt me again and I was never going to tell anyone what happened.

When I was 17 I thought I was in love and when the girl of my dreams ended our relationship whilst at a party, I was devastated. So I got drunk, went to the bathroom and began punching the bathroom wall and crying. "Don't worry, there's plenty more fish in the sea" my mates kept trying to encourage me. I didn't want a fish I wanted one particular girl. Angry and drunk I left the party thinking everyone is out to get what they can to make them happy no matter who they hurt and I was exactly the same. Deciding life stinks I took an overdose of pills with more drink and ended up in hospital having a stomach pump. Eventually after 3 or 4 days I discharged myself and tried to get on with life and do the man thing - fill my life with business rather than facing the problems head on. However the anger now had other ingredients to add to the mix; depression, isolation, misunderstanding and embarrassment. All blended together making one mixed up man, me.

I used to work as a central heating engineer and I would just begin to cry in someone's house whilst working. This was not due to me flooding the place but what was going on internally. I would quickly excuse myself to the bathroom and compose myself so my boss would not see me like this.

Something deep was going on in my life but I had no answers to what it was.

Six months later God ambushed my life in an amazing way as I discovered Jesus was real, not a myth, and His life, death and resurrection could and would turn my whole life upside down as I began to follow Him. I continued journeying with God in my new life but was never sure if He could or was interested in the areas of my life that really hurt. So I did not tell anyone what happened when I was 15.

Well this behaviour went on until I was 26 at a conference in Sheffield. I was one of 2,000 people who had come to hear a man called John Wimber speak.

During this conference God was once again to astound me by what He did. One of Wimber's team came up to me and said "when you were 15 you were sexually interfered with and God wants to heal you of the pain that this caused." I tried to show no emotion and just said to this guy, "I'm sorry you are wrong." He humbly apologised and left. 'What the hell was that?' I thought as I left. Who has been talking to him? The next day this guy came up to me again, saying the same thing and apologising for any discomfort this may be causing me but urging me to talk to someone I trust as this could be the beginning of knowing real freedom and healing.

Big Boys Do Cry

That night I decided to take a risk and tell my mate Steve what had happened when I was 15. Thoughts of what if he rejects me, what if he says he doesn't want to be my friend anymore spinning around my mind. Well, after what seemed an age I told him and his wife. I sat there waiting for him to reply "You dirty g*t, get out of my house I never want to see you again" in a Geordie accent. As I waited for his reply the silence was deafening. He then just came over to me and hugged me. Something broke and the floodgates opened. I cried like a little lost child, weeping uncontrollably. Tears and snot began to run loosely out onto his shirt but he stilled hugged me. A huge dam had burst and there was no turning back. This was when this hard northern lad began to become a soft, gentleman who is not afraid of tears and now cries at anything and everything.

Hogan Hilling said " Put the macho stuff on hold for a while guys. Find the strength within yourself to open up your heart and give yourself permission to cry, cry, cry.. For whatever reason. You'll always come out a better man because of it."

My Experience Of Men Crying

For the first 17 years of my life I never saw a man cry publicly. The first person I saw who seemed not to be bothered what others thought of him was my old youth leader Bill Brown.

My mates and I would go around his house for our youth group night and when we had a time of prayer and worship that's when it would happen. 'The big tear jerk', I thought. Bill would kneel on his carpet as we prayed and sang. I would always look at him wondering why the tears were falling down his face constantly as we sang 'What a friend we have in Jesus' and thinking "what the hell is up with him?"

Years later I now understand that Bill was overwhelmed with God's love, forgiveness and healing and when this happens to me I am thankful to Bill for role modelling to me that it was ok then and still okay now for a man to cry.