CR spoke with Emma Weaver about her Mum's suicide

Emma Weaver

Emma had tragically lost her Mum by just 10 years old. If that wasn't enough to handle, she also suffered verbal bullying for three years at school and recently unexpectedly lost her cousin. Heather Bellamy spent time chatting with her about how her life was shaped by these events and her relationship with God through it all.

Heather: You've known God all your life haven't you?

Emma: I have yes. I went to church from about three days old. I was born into a loving Christian family and it was wonderful really. I've always known church as my family. They've always been an extended part of my family. Then when I was about five I remember going to church and I asked my Dad, how do I get Jesus into my heart? He said, "You need to pray and you've got to mean it and you've got to understand what you're saying"; so me and my Dad spent a little bit of time praying for Jesus to come into my life. Even at a young age I knew the importance of having Jesus in my life, which was wonderful.

Heather: So it was real to you? Because that was a really young age wasn't it? Do you actually remember having a relationship with God right from that tender age?

Emma: I remember meaning what I said when I was five when I made that prayer with my Dad and it was real, but I don't think I understood the importance of it then; I was so young I didn't know what else came with it. I knew I needed Jesus and I knew what he'd done, but I suppose with age and maturity you get so much knowledge of what you should be doing and where you should be.

Heather: You sound like you look back at that time in your life with fond memories of a happy childhood, would that be right?

Emma: Yeah, it was. It was a lovely childhood. I had a beautiful Dad and Mum and a lovely little sister, but then when I was 10 my Mum died.

Heather: How did she die?

Emma: She decided to take her own life, which was really hard for all of us. I was only 10 like I said and the pain was so real and so intense. At the time I didn't even know that she had committed suicide. We were very protected from it, but the pain and the agony that came with that was horrendous. Even mentioning my Mum's name could bring me to tears. It was really hard and even though my Dad did a wonderful job and my extended family did a wonderful job of bringing us up; for me and my sister it never replaced the fact that I hadn't got my Mum and that was really hard. It was something that really affected me for a long time.

Heather: Had she suffered from depression before that?

Emma: Yes she was quite ill for the whole year; from about the April of 1997 until the September when she took her life; she was really poorly. She had mental breakdowns. We saw her suffering and the Mum that we had in the end wasn't really the Mum that I knew. She was so different. She was so far apart from the lady I loved and the lady that was my Mum, that really thinking about it now I didn't lose my Mum then, I lost her when she had the mental breakdown because she was just so different.

Heather: Can you articulate now what affect and impact that had on you as a girl growing up losing your Mum like that?

Emma: It was so hard. No matter who I had around me, even like such lovely family, it was so hard not to have a Mum. As teenagers your friends are always saying, "Oh my Mum's this" and you're moaning about them. I longed to be able to moan about my Mum and longed to have a teenage argument with her, but I hadn't got that and that was really difficult. I always felt separated from friends because of that. I didn't ever feel connected to them because I was so far apart from them and their experiences. I was only 10 and had gone through such a big thing already in my life. It was so hard and I don't think as a child you can understand how difficult that is. The other children around you, the other teens around you, don't really appreciate what you feel. It was difficult on a relationship level between friends as well because some things that they thought were hilarious, I was kind of mature about things, because I saw the realisation of life and how important it is and how important people were. Their silly things that interested them never really interested me. I was a bit of a loner about it all because I just didn't find things funny at that age really.

Heather: What about other things as a girl growing up? How did you feel about yourself and your identity and your worth and the things that you would normally look to your Mum for; clothes shopping, things like that? Did it affect that side of your life as well?