CR spoke with Emma Weaver about God healing her broken heart from losing her mum to suicide and how God helped her cope with her cousins sudden death

Emma Weaver

Emma had tragically lost her Mum by just 10 years old. If that wasn't enough to handle, she also suffered verbal bullying for three years at school and recently unexpectedly lost her cousin. Heather Bellamy spent time chatting with her about how her life was shaped by these events and her relationship with God through it all.

Heather: Emma, you previously told us about your time at that camp and how you were reconnecting with God. Did anything else of significance happen over that time at the camp?

Emma: It was a lovely time. As a team we were able to spend time doing bible studies before the children arrived. The lady taking the bible study focused on Psalm 139 and it's a Psalm that's full of love and God's thoughts towards us. Through that time God really spoke into me and he really dealt with the feelings of failure; the feelings of failure from uni and the depression from the bullying. God turned them around. He changed my opinion of me because I realised his opinion of me. He got me back into his grip and I was really realising who I am in him.

Heather: Can you describe how you felt about yourself instead of feeling that sense of failure?

Emma: All the failure feelings, the horrible feelings towards myself have been totally turned around to feelings of love and joy and happiness. It wasn't me, it was all God. For me to realise that, was so powerful in my life and it really made me want to develop and grow in him and develop and grow in my relationship in him. I longed to know more and I wanted this connection all of the time. I wanted to feel that love because it overrides everything else. I wanted to feel that love all of the time.

Heather: How old were you at this time?

Emma: I was about 20.

Heather: So that's 10 years on from losing your mum. Where were you at, at that point in your life, in regard to that loss?

Emma: I was still a heartbroken wreck. I still carried the pain as intense as the day my mum died. It was still so poignant in my heart and I carried a really heavy heart about it. The people around me couldn't speak about my mum because I was still so broken by the name of my mum being used in a conversation. However because I'd had my feelings of failure turned round, I was really seeking God to change these feelings. I knew he could do it as well. I knew God could change them; he's already changed these horrible feelings towards myself around. He could do something with my heart, but it was still painful. It was still real and it was still really sensitive to me.

Heather: You say that every time your mum's name was mentioned it hurt you, but even if she wasn't mentioned, did you think about it every day?

Emma: There wasn't a day where I could not think about my mum and the 'what ifs'. I would think, she should be doing this with me and where is she? It was blame really. There wasn't a day where I didn't still long for it. I longed to have a mum. I longed to have my mum back for a long time.

Heather: Was that affecting other aspects of your life like your relationship with your dad or sister?

Emma: It was inwardly tearing me apart. There were outward shows when I was crying. I could get upset about it, but I'm terrible for keeping things to myself. I still am now. I don't want to upset other people. My family had already been really hurt from losing my Mum and I didn't want them to be more upset knowing my pain, so I kept it a bit of a secret. I'm sure they knew, but I thought I'd keep it to myself and not put it on other people. I never wanted to feel like I was putting more onto other people, so my dad probably knew, but I never openly spoke to him about it.

Heather: At this point your relationship with God was developing, so you were starting to talk to him about it though; putting it on him?