Emily Parker spoke with author Dorothy Littel Greco about the ups and downs of married life, and how to build a strong relationship.

In a more practical way I think that we've both figured out how to love each other in very small ways and in large ways. So in the small ways I let him sleep in on Saturday because he has to get up every day at 5.30am to go to work. I take the dog for a walk, and I do the things that he normally does. There have been seasons when we have had to make sacrificial choices to support each other professionally. So right now, he's actually working two jobs so that I can pursue writing. It's not clear yet whether that's going to work out, or whether I'll have to go and get a real job. But I think there are seasons for every couple where we have to look out across the landscape of our relationship and say "what does my spouse need right now?" and "how can I meet that need, even if there's a cost to me?"

Emily: We all have hurts and disappointments in life. What advice would you give to someone to help them work through those with their spouse?

Dorothy: Disappointment really was the core of what our issue was in year 10. We both had a lot of disappointments for each other. Often, I think if we can recognise that we are disappointed, we can trace the disappointment back to an unmet expectation. Then what we have to do is understand what are our expectations for each other are and if they are realistic or unrealistic.

An example of this for us is that early in our marriage Christopher and I had tons of fights about him coming home on time, particularly coming home in time for dinner. Being on time is really important to me and I totally moralised it. I also happen to be really good at being on time, it's like I have an internal watch. Christopher is Latin, that's his background, and essentially he sees time like a metaphor. For some people it would not be unrealistic to expect your spouse to come home in time for dinner, but in our case, my expectation of him was totally not realistic. So I had to recognise that and back off of it, so that we weren't constantly having fights over the fact that his understanding of time is different from mine.

Emily: What were the steps you took to be able to let go of your unrealistic expectations of him?

Dorothy: Coming to terms with whether your expectations are realistic based on the person that you married. We can have all kinds of expectations for each other, from how many times a week we're going to have sex, to who's changing the diapers, or who's doing the laundry. But if we don't work them out through conversations and let go of some things that are clearly not happening the way we want them to, we're probably going to get stuck. Also it is helpful to have a look at where our expectations come from, because often they come from our family or church culture, and we impose them on each other without even being aware of what we're doing.

Emily: Today, we are finding that more and more marriages are ending in divorce. Do you think that marriage is becoming less attractive for some couples. considering the rate of divorce is going up as quickly as it is?

Dorothy: I'm not sure what the divorce rate is in the UK, but here in the USA it has been going down. I would also like to use this opportunity to debunk the myth that the divorce rate is 50%. It is not 50% and it has never been 50%. I always find that to be maddening, because it gives people the impression that they only have a 50% chance of making the marriage work. That's not true. The only place that it's going up, at least in the US, is for folks over 50.

What it seems like is happening is that folks are marrying a little bit later; they're not jumping in as early as they used to. Some of that is financial, as the cost of living has gone up. I'm sure that's the same in the UK. Finding jobs can feel like it's a little bit more tenuous. So in a way it feels like launching into adulthood is slowing down a little bit and that's causing marriage to start later. But in general my sense is that the younger generation really wants to know if healthy long-term marriage works. I think that's part of why I wrote the book. I think that it does work and I think it's a worthy investment.

Emily: For yourself Dorothy, did you have a couple that you always used to look to as an example of a healthy marriage and what did they mean to you?

Dorothy: We've had a lot of friends who were just a little bit older than us. My parents divorced when I was in my twenties and even during the time that I was growing up, their marriage was difficult and tenuous at best. So I didn't have that personal example, but once we became part of a church, there were couples who were five to 10 years ahead of us and who clearly had very dynamic, healthy strong marriages and who were willing to spend time with us, which I think gave us hope and a sense of clarity about what we were shooting for.

Emily: How valuable would you say it is for people who are married to get mentors?

Dorothy: I think mentorship is huge and I think it is a dying art these days. We've had to work really hard to find people who are older than us who have been willing to spend some time with us.

One of our most favourite things to do is to invite younger couples over and hang out with them, have dinner with them and give them complete permission to ask us anything they want to ask us, no matter how vulnerable it is. I think that gives them permission to explore some of the places that are hard for them, some of the things they don't know how to work out. So I would be a very strong advocate for all married couples to look to a couple who have been married longer, to give them encouragement and hope.