Baz Gascoyne on the need for more inclusive community, for childless couples, and singles.

Baz Gascoyne

I still remember with fond memories my wedding to Linda over 25 years ago. It was a sunny but cold December afternoon. I was so excited that family and friends from all over the country, including two old school teachers and their wives, were there to celebrate our day.

I never thought I would ever get married due to my insecurities and, if I'm honest, my selfishness which frequently robbed me of my friendships with the opposite sex. Previous relationships had all ended with me causing upset and pain from being a teenager through to my mid-twenties.

So to be standing making my vows & promises to Linda was a dream come true: a lady willing to marry me to become my wife and future mother of my children.

Both Linda and I wrote our own vows stating why we loved each other and how we would endeavour to believe in the best of each other as husband and wife. Part of my vows was about how I looked forward to having children and Linda and I being parents. The congregation laughed so I turned round to them saying "I'll say that again shall I?" then repeated it.

Over the years I have had the privilege to visit and work in various countries. I would always buy Linda a present as well as a teddy bear from the country I had visited. I remember us discussing once how exciting it would be to decorate our small room as a baby room and have a shelf full of the teddies on it for our first child.
Recently we went to a car boot sale to sell things that we no longer used or needed in our home. It was quite sobering as we took a lot of teddy bears with us to sell that we had hoped would have been loved and hugged by our children.

This is my biggest disappointment in my life: I feel a failure in not providing children for my beautiful, loving, caring and patient wife. As for many others this can still cause me heartache and pain at the most unexpected times. During these times I need to remind myself I am fortunate to be married when there are so many who would love to have a partner and have not yet met someone for this to happen.

Whatever our joy, there will always be others for whom that same subject is a source of pain; being inclusive isn't always as easy as it may seem. For parents who want to talk about their children, it can be easy to forget that this could be insensitive to childless couples: they probably do love children including yours but do not need to hear about them every time you meet up. And for those of us in happy relationships, we need to be sensitive to those whose relationships are difficult or who aren't in an exclusive relationship and would like to be. Let's be inclusive in how we do community: it's so easy for people to end up feeling second rate because they have no children or partner.

There may be no room for teddy but let's make sure there is room for people whatever their status.