Tony Loeffler shares some personal thoughts

Tony Loeffler

On October 19th, 2005 Galo Rivera, lead guitarist and me were asked to leave Cuba. Shortly after being thrown out of Cuba and being accused of being a CIA spy, I went by invitation to an island in the Caribbean to continue the writing of a book. The rejection in Cuba that preceded my trip caused me to seek the Lord in a deeper way. I will now share with you what I feel the Lord spoke to me.

First let me begin with this. Prior to my being exiled out of Cuba, I had scheduled some time to go to the island of Tortola to continue writing a book I was working on. Although I enjoy spending time with the Lord and seeking His will when in Tortola, this time I felt the need to just continue writing chapters for the new book. But suddenly, all that had changed. I was asked to leave Cuba. Then, a few days later hurricane Wilma ravaged southern Florida where I live and now I found myself sitting on the balcony of an apartment in the Caribbean wondering if my life really made a difference.

I was totally confused, frustrated and filled with an enormous amount of doubt. I didn't even think I could tell you how to cross the street, let alone try to direct you to Heaven's gates. Things just didn't seem to make any sense to me anymore. My life had no purpose and nothing seemed to matter. My "do" was gone. My whole life seemed to have changed in an instant and I couldn't do anything about it. As I tried to process this whole thing all I could say was, "Lord this isn't making any sense".

Earlier in the day I tried writing but couldn't get any flow. My thoughts were cluttered with frustration, confusion and doubt. As I sat on that balcony, I looked up at the stars and saw a sight that was beyond words. The star fields displayed His glory unlike anything I've ever seen. Generally, typical street lighting takes away His glory in the evening in West Palm Beach, Florida and probably in most neighborhoods. But not here! This sight was absolutely majestic.

All I was able to do or say was, "Wow". I was stunned as I looked at those star fields. I stood there speechless looking at only a part of His creation. My mind began to just worship God. Wow Lord, I can't believe what I'm seeing. Suddenly, I began to enter into a spirit of worship and praise and my mind felt as though it was about to explode. This was more than I could have ever imagined.

For some reason, while I was in this spirit of praise my mind went back to Florida and I began to think about our family being huddled underneath this massive, bigger than life hurricane and not even a rain drop hit the balcony I was standing on. We had our hurricane shutters up and we listened to the ravaging wind and the next day it looked like a war zone outside. Hurricane Wilma was a serious storm, but not even a raindrop hit the balcony I was standing on in Tortola. The vastness of God and the smallness of me began to get farther and farther apart as I reflected on those stars.

All I could think about was how small our family was when we were under that big hurricane and how large this universe is and then I was thinking about the people in Japan, China, India, Cuba, Africa and other remote places of the earth. The more I thought, the larger the picture became and the spread between God and me unfolded more and more with each thought. All I could do was worship the Lord.

As I sat there and contemplated more about God, I realized that He was speaking to me and for a moment I was speechless. I just couldn't believe that the God of the universe wanted to speak with me. Then I said, Lord if this is you that I'm experiencing, can you give me a shooting star tonight? Within fifteen minutes, there went a shooting star across the heavens. Wow.

Even with this wonderful experience, I was still so devastated from what happened in Cuba. I've spent six years of my life working hard for the Christians in that country. The pain caused by the Cuba event was so difficult for me that at one point I called a good friend who had worked in the prisons with me for over 25 years and asked, "Karen, did my life make a difference?" I was really in a state of confusion.

The next night I tried writing again and was able to get a few thoughts together. As I took a break and stepped out on the balcony again to look at those star fields I said, "Wow, this is spectacular." I even picked the "three bells" stars as a marker each night.

Once again, I was caught up in a spirit of worship and had a very strong sense of God's nearness. I was having a great time. Just me and the Lord and I could hardly believe what was going on. I just started to talk to God again and tell Him how beautiful the star fields were and that I couldn't believe He was speaking with me in such an intimate way.

I said, "Lord, just so I know that I'm really communicating with you, can you give me another shooting star tonight?" In spite of the previous night, I was still in doubt. Doubt is such an enemy of the soul and doubting the Lord is even worse. Fifteen minutes or so went by and sure enough, there went another shooting star. All I could say was, "Wow."

The third night, while on the balcony again and still in this amazing attitude of worship, I just couldn't believe that God would take time out of His busy schedule to talk with me on this balcony. I was still trying to process all of this. At that time, I wasn't trying to be radical with my faith. I was just trying to keep my head above the water. I felt like I was crippled with doubt. The only thought I had regarding the shooting stars was, I wonder how much they cost.

So there I was wondering, "what is going on here?" All I could think of was how much God must love me. Over the past few years as I would speak about the love of God, people have asked me, "Why don't you write an autobiography?" I would usually respond by saying, "I don't want to write an autobiography." I was writing other stuff and was happy to continue on that project. That was the reason I went to Tortola, not to write an autobiography.

No matter what, I just couldn't do much writing with all that was on my mind. I had written about five or six articles and that seemed to be as far as I could get. So I decided to give it a try and write an introduction to an autobiography. I called it "Teshon Village". This was a little village where I grew up located in Paterson, New Jersey. As I wrote the article some amazing things came out of me. Thoughts about my mother, my father, my childhood and I began to see some connections to my insecurities that also helped me understand why I was having such difficulty receiving God's love tonight. I wept more and more with each thought.

To be continued