Kat Mills on not judging people by what we see on the surface.

Kat Mills

Recently my hubby and I re-watched the National Treasure series of adventure films. They are always an enjoyable romp and because I watched them a few times, I know exactly what to expect. In both of the films there is a fair bit of code breaking, working out secret maps, and hidden clues to hunt down long-lost treasure that no-one else could find. To succeed they need something to work from - without that key bit of information they are stuck in a rut and not able to go forward. The mission is in jeopardy and the most likely outcome is either prison because they have had to break the rules in borrowing the original Declaration of Independence document and kidnapped the President, or being caught by the 'baddies'! Just in the nick of time, they dramatically discover another clue, which holds the key and once again they are in business and able to complete their quest to discover priceless treasures.

For a long time in my life, I also felt stuck in a rut. I was aware that I was different, responded differently and shied away from the busyness and vibrancy of life, but I didn't know why. In this struggle I often felt overwhelmed and would hide away from life, but then I would end up feeling isolated and estranged. I was in a vicious circle that I could not break out from. I desperately needed that little bit of information to end the circle.

This gift came in the form of understanding once my son and I had been diagnosed as autistic. That one word was able to shed light on why we both struggled in some areas but functioned so highly in others. It helped those around us see our behaviours in a new light and start to realise why our reactions were somewhat different to the norm. Through this understanding I was able to break out of the vicious circle - no longer desperately striving to survive, but suddenly being aware of all the joy of life that I had been missing out on. Now I am able to use the right strategies to thrive - I know what are my and my son's triggers are, and I am becoming wise at what things to avoid, but also how I can experience life and be part of the world around me in a way that we can revel in.

My fears had led me to hide away and pursue avoidance rather than tackle things head on. I have been learning to be braver by being hugely reliant on God and trusting in Him.

In March I flew to America by myself and overcame hurdles I never thought I could. It was only through God's strength, through my new found understanding, and the ability to get the help and support I needed and not to be ashamed to ask for it.

This week I realised that I had never taking my son to a zoo. He is now five, and I realised I had avoided it because of all the hurdles to overcome. This week when we were in Devon, he saw the poster of the zoo and was desperate to go. I was screaming on the inside - how could I contend with a busy, noisy, smelly and unknown environment, which could set off a meltdown for either of us?

My son's enthusiasm, excitement and joy reminded me of the importance of being able to overcome and not missing out on life simply because of the hurdles in the way. So we did it! My husband dropped us off before he went to work and picked us up later. We lasted four and a half hours, which was a huge victory in itself.

There were many moments where I could feel the triggers starting and I knew I was in danger of melting down. So I relied on God and His strength and mercy. He answered so many prayers incredibly. When Dom was spiralling out of control and acting out of stress and fear, I had to wrestle him screaming into his buggy, cover it with a towel and give him some time out with milk and headphones. I was left sitting alone feeling lonely and misunderstood. Several people had glared and kept away from us during the meltdown. So I prayed for understanding and a father and his daughter sat down beside us. We started a conversation and the subject of autism came up - he was a carer for boys with autism! He was understanding, interesting and sensitive. How amazing is God - of all the people that could have sat there!

The conversation helped me feel better and more peaceful and we were able to continue around the zoo with Dom feeling a lot calmer and happier and loving the animals. I was then also able to extend my understanding to another mum and child, when I saw the signs of another child with autism - terrified on a wobbly rope bridge. I was able to stop anyone else getting on the bridge so that the child had the space to deal with the unexpected shaking.

I am so often the person who desperately needs understanding and it was refreshing to be able to extend the understanding and kindness to someone else.

This reminded me of the importance of our actions. Can we give someone the gift of understanding, of not judging by what we see on the surface, and cover someone with grace?