Emily Parker spoke to Tim Hein about his book 'Understanding Sexual Abuse', and how to best respond to someone when they disclose to you that they have been abused.

It also leads to all sorts of other damaging and complex results and experiences in their life. So asking "Where is God?" and "Why has God allowed this?" is absolutely legitimate and is a question that I think God wants people to ask and even get angry about.

In another part of the book I talk about the importance of us not trying to quieten people down and encourage them to forgive and forget quickly. That has often been used to make us feel better about it, but often the person who is distressed actually has a path of recovery that involves some anger and a seeking of some righteousness. Forgiving too quickly can be a lid on trauma when there are things there to be explored over the longer term.

So there is a whole range of complicated issues, which I try and map out as clearly as I can in the book, but I think a survivor is going to be helped by being able to ask the hard questions, and having people around them who will support them and ask the hard questions with them. That's exactly what I think God invites us to do, and we see that done in the Bible, for example in the Psalms.

Emily: For somebody who is a survivor of sexual abuse, what would you say to them as to why it is important that they share their experience?

Tim: I have a chapter in the book that's called 'Breaking the Power of Secrets'. One of the things about child sexual abuse is that it is not only incredibly prevalent, but also shrouded in secrecy. A lot of this has to do with the grooming that goes on and the nature of the abuse itself and the age of the children. Some people will never in their life disclose to anyone what has happened to them and some will but not until decades later. Of course some thankfully do it early on.

I would encourage a survivor to take that enormous step to share what has happened to them with someone else. Everything inside them, from the narrative about them being to blame for what has happened and the shame associated with what has occurred will want to keep them quiet. It's an incredibly courageous thing to do, it's probably the biggest step to take, to break the power of those secrets and tell someone else. Often, this will become a marking point in their life as 'before I told someone' and 'after I told someone'. It can be that powerful once you say it out loud to someone.

I think being able to talk about it, whether it is a to trusted friend or a minister, or the police, and taking that step towards seeking the justice that the community expects and that God says that we deserve, is a powerful and profound step to take.

Emily: What advice would you give to people if a survivor of sexual abuse decided to share their story with them?

Tim: There are three words that I use in the book, drawn from research, which are: Listen, Believe and Acknowledge. Some people, when they hear disclosure, sometimes have a tendency to minimise and not fully acknowledge the probability of what has occurred. I would encourage people to put aside those tendencies and in the first instance to listen carefully and believe and acknowledge. There will be a time for deeper consideration later. It is profoundly important that the person feels listened to and believed. In fact, some psychologists talk about the strength of recovery and how that can be profoundly helped or hampered by whether the first person they disclosed to took them seriously, acknowledged and believed that this has happened.

The second thing to do is to remember that the recovery is about empowering the survivors themselves. So being able to talk with them and explain to them what their options are, where they can go from here.

It's very important for me to mention at this point the difference in responding if the person is under the legal age or over. Of course, if a child is disclosing, or a young teenager, then you must be able to take seriously the mandatory reporting principles. In many places this is now law, certainly it is in my state. If you are in a position of authority in an institution, it is mandatory that you report this to the police. Even if it is not mandatory by law where you live, it is absolutely what I recommend that you do. You don't sit and wait, you don't try and become a detective yourself, you take very seriously what has been said.

I give an overview of this in the book and there is training provided to those from whom mandatory reporting is required about what to do in that situation. If the person is an adult, over the legal age, then of course there is a bond of confidentiality. You are seeking to empower them to make the decisions and support them to do things like seeking justice or taking time or providing them with options around recovery or therapy. I cover all these in the book, but listening, believing and acknowledging in the first instance is so incredibly important.

'Understanding Sexual Abuse: A Guide for Ministry Leaders & Survivors' by Tim Hein is available from Amazon, the Book Depository and from many Christian bookshops.