Emily Graves spoke with author Julie Gorman

Julie Gorman

In What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Men, Julie Gorman shares transparently about the myths she believed about men - faulty paradigms that led to a multitude of mistakes, misunderstandings and misconceptions. With real, raw and relevant insights for every woman, Julie offers practical 'next step' actions and inspiring thoughts to empower you to see your man through God's lens and move towards greater intimacy. Emily Graves spoke with Julie to find out more.

Emily: So Julie, tell us about yourself.

Julie: Well that could be a long story right there! Y'know honestly, if I had to describe my life, I think the word that I would use is an 'overcomer'. I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family. We bore the name 'Christian' but quite honestly did not live that out. Every abuse was in my home. We had physical, emotional and sexual abuse and of course those things shake a lot of the paradigms that I took into adulthood. I think what I tried to do is I tried to suppress all of those feelings and just pretend they never happened and then later in life unfortunately they began to show themselves, but I'm very grateful because God truly touched my life and taught me truths. Today I'm very happily married to my very best friend, Greg and we have three adorable children, two that are biological by birth and one that grafted her way into my heart through a blended family situation because Greg had been married before. We live in sunny Florida.

Emily: So how did you come to write 'What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Men'?

Julie: I never intended on writing this book. Quite honestly, my agent approached me three separate times and asked me to write the book and on the third occasion turning him down again he said, "Well Julie would you just pray about it?" and I thought, "Oh no". As I went to prayer - as a writer I'm more of a free flowing kind of writer, I like the journey and the creativity...and then I go back and put structure - but as I went to prayer, the thing that happened is I began to have a lot of structure and I knew exactly what God was speaking to my heart. Even the chapter titles of what He wanted me to share and so there's no escaping it, but I do recall at one point in writing this book...the way that the book is written is extremely transparent, very authentic, it's a lot of vulnerability and what I realised God wanted me to do is he wanted me to expose the areas of my life that maybe weren't my more brilliant moments. He wanted me to share the broken parts and at one point what began to happen is I started to just cry, I was like, "God I don't want to write this, get somebody who's funnier than I am, somebody who wasn't crazy and didn't have as many issues as what I once had. And God began to speak to my heart and He said, "Read about the woman with the issue of blood". There's a story in Luke 7 about this woman who struggled with a long-term sickness. She'd exhausted every resource. I thought that was a really strange thought, but I went to the Word of God, and I opened up the Bible to Luke 7 and I read about her story and there's this small verse that literally just leapt off the pages into my heart and the part is where the woman is trying to hide in the crowd; she's trying to take her healing and just disappear, but Jesus keeps insisting, "Who touched me, who touched me?", and finally the verse says, when the woman realised she couldn't go unnoticed, she came forward and told all that had happened to her. And what I felt in that single moment, I dried my tears and I felt this promise that as readers would read my story, what God promised is as they read about the love - His love - that came and rescued me and restored my life that they would find hope for their soul too, and with that I wiped my tears and began to write.

Emily: Did you find it a challenge to go back over some of those harder moments in your life and work through them again?

Julie: It was absolutely one of the most excruciating things that I think I've ever done, yes! Y'know I have had a great relationship - been married now for 15 years - incredible healing and just amazing encounters with God that have touched and restored those broken pieces, so it was a struggle to even go back to those places. I had to ask myself, "What did I feel, what was my paradigm, what were my thoughts and what shaped all of those things"? So going back to those areas - it was a distant memory. And yet I knew I needed to get back to those vulnerable places, because quite honestly I don't think people need to hear about our heroic attempts. I think we gain faith and encouragement as we see other people who have gone through extreme difficulties and yet found healing and wholeness. So I knew I needed to go back to those places and as I did, it was so wonderful to see how far God has brought my life.

Emily: The book is separated into two parts, you've got one part that is kind of labelled, 'The Lies Which We Believe About Men' and also the other part is, 'The Truths That We Need To Know'. So tell us a bit more about how you got to the point of having the two parts and choosing what went into those areas.

Julie: Again it came down to the structure of the writing of the book. It was a lot of prayer and as I began to realise I really was supposed to write this book - one that I never intended to write - I started thinking about all of the different areas that I struggled with. So I went to the faulty paradigms that many women have, y'know that a man will validate our worth, a man will rescue us and a man will never let us down. Though we may never say it, there's part of us that hopes our man will be like Jesus Christ - perfect in every way, right?

So I dealt with those first preliminary faulty things that were really at the core of my heartache and my disappointment. Then what I did, is I kinda navigated through where those thoughts are that a man only wants one thing, or all men are perverts, or the enemy; I can change him, I can control him and all of those too. That the central part, what I was hoping for, was that a man would come along and satisfy those longings of my soul. So all of those shaped the lies that we believe...the things that are perpetuated through media, the things we watch, the things we read, the things we listen to; the love songs and that knight in shining armour that just shows up and knows exactly what to say and when to say it. To the point of coming to the truth and of course in each one of those chapters, not only are the lies exposed, but there are simple truths that are exposed throughout the entire book.

The one central truth that we need to take away...that comes into part two - the truth that we have to know in order to be able to enjoy relationships as God intended, is first of all that God loves us passionately. I put this at the very beginning of the book as well that until we know who God says we are, we risk the temptation of allowing other people, or other things to define us and that's true for men, women, single, married, it doesn't matter, we're all on the search for what I call significance, it's that God vacuum. Until we have that God vacuum filled with God, we allow other people's opinions, maybe our job, it could be our kids - for me it was men, I was looking so desperately for somebody to come along and love me. What I needed to understand is that God loved me passionately and that he designed me distinctly.

I love Ephesians 2:10, there's a verse that says we're God's workmanship; literally some translations read that we are His masterpiece. We're created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared long in advance for us to do, but what I did is I allowed so many other people's opinions - whether they validated me or they didn't validate me - to define my worth. But the truth that we need to know - that second part - is that God loves us passionately...only He can satisfy the longings of our soul. The second part of the truth that we need to know, is that men are for celebrating and instead of resisting the differences, instead of hating the differences, instead of almost getting mad at God for the vast differences between male and female, I 've learned to celebrate those differences.

Emily: There's 10 lies that you talk about and you mentioned some of them earlier on. But is there one in particular that stands out to you and has been a big part of your journey?

Julie: I think the biggest lie was that a man would satisfy the longing of my soul. That really epitomises, or brings in all of the other lies, that a man would validate my worth, a man would rescue me, a man would never let me down; to the point where I began to get bitter and thinking that men only want one thing, it's all their fault, they're perverts, they're the enemy.