Joy Attmore shares her experience vulnerably and honestly.

Mourning is uncomfortable and, to be honest, can be unattractive. We don't always know what to do with it when we're in the midst of it, and we rarely know how to respond to someone else's grief, but it is important that regardless we give ourselves and each other time. For a little while I sat down in my grief and let myself feel every ache and pain of the loss I was experiencing. Other friends who had fallen pregnant around the same time as me were still pregnant, babies were being born around me and other friends were journeying through their own seasons of loss and hardship. Thankfully I never felt the pull of resentment towards anyone whose outcome looked better than mine, instead I found a fierce desire rising up within me to value and celebrate life.

When Phillip and I found out that we were pregnant, it was a week before Thanksgiving and we were utterly thrilled. In reading that one word, 'pregnant', it felt like our whole world had changed. We began planning the next year with great anticipation, talking about what we needed to have in place for when our son or daughter arrived, and brimming over with excitement as we shared the news with our family and friends. We decided not to wait until the hallowed ground of 12 weeks had arrived before telling people, as we wanted to celebrate our baby right from the word go as opposed to giving in to the fear of something going wrong. Even though we did in fact lose our precious baby, I do not regret our decision to tell everyone in that first trimester. I want people to know that we had a child, he/she was conceived and his/her heart beat with mine, if only for a short amount of time, but nonetheless our baby lived!

Life is the most precious, beautiful and vulnerable of gifts. It is stunning and mind blowing. It is worth protecting, fighting for and where needs be dying for. Life is a gift from God and one that I now try hard to not take for granted. And life is never wasted, it will never cease to impact the world.

We decided to name our firstborn Promise Joy. Although we will never get to hold Promise, to watch him/her grow, taking delight in which features are most like which parent and proudly displaying his/her achievements to the world, we believe that their spirit is living and growing in heaven. I recently took comfort in the thought that maybe he/she is now being raised by other family members that have also passed on in the last few years. The truth is though, I really don't know. I don't know why this happened to us or to any of the people that we know and the millions that we don't. I don't know why our baby died even as we prayed and believed that he/she would live. I don't even know if they were a boy or a girl as much as my senses would love to tell you otherwise. I don't know what the idea of him/her being in heaven really means or looks like. There is so much that I don't know or understand and probably never will this side of eternity, and now I am ok with that. I have come to a place of peace with the mystery.

Two weeks ago I felt like I was drowning, my heart and spirit were so overwhelmed with sadness, anger and self-hatred. I sat at the dinner table, looked at my husband with tear-filled eyes and said, "I need help". That night was the beginning of the end of the depression that had been trying to suck me down.

The following day, as I stood in our living room in my pj's, I had a moment of clarity. This had to go! The depression had to leave and I needed to start living again. I began dancing around the room, shouting at the unseen realm, that things were going to change This was a home for life, not death, so depression couldn't live here and neither could anything else associated with it. I felt like I was in a boxing ring, flailing my arms and legs around as I carried on shouting to whoever could hear me. Life was returning to my heart and I felt untainted joy residing in me once again. Since that breakthrough moment, I no longer feel angry at God or bitter about what we have gone through. I feel free in the knowledge that, beyond my understanding, God is still good; regardless of my circumstances, he will always be faithful; no matter what my emotions are doing, he is ever-present and ever-loving.

Miscarriage is not ok, and losing your baby at any age is a tragedy that no parent should ever experience. Unfortunately, however, this is happening all of the time and, as long as we live in an imperfect world, we will find ourselves crashing into these moments. The commonality of a situation though doesn't take away from the individuality of it. Every heartbeat is heard in heaven and is counted the most beautiful sound. Every child conceived is life's precious gift, worthy of being welcomed and celebrated. Every heart that stops beating still has a voice and the power to impact the world.

Promise Joy Attmore will never be forgotten and it is my hope that the reverberations of his/her heartbeat and the story that accompanies will help to comfort others drowning in grief and restore hope to the promises of the future.