Ephesians 6:1-4

Matt Summerfield considers how we treat our parents and children and the impact it has

So Paul's words in Ephesians 6:4 are absolutely revolutionary to the parents of that day - and still vital for us today. Paul is saying, 'If you want to exercise some positive influence on your children, then make sure you take their feelings in to account. Treat them as human beings'.

Now if you've been a parent for any time at all we know that we can get things wrong - and I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on anyone. But I think we all need to be mindful of two dangers in this area.

Two things we can sometimes do which in my experience winds up - or upsets - our children. Firstly, lack of consistency in what we say and do. We expect them to behave in a way that we don't behave ourselves. Do as I say, not as I do. We ask them to lie and say we're not in when the telephone rings, but when they lie about eating chocolate we get mad at them. It's not consistent. It's frustrating! It's not fair. It's not right.

Secondly, lack of encouragement. Author Rob Parsons tells the story of a teenage girl who worked REALLY hard for exams - it didn't come easy for her. She was so excited to tell her Dad that she came second in the class and yet her Dad's response was so disappointing and hurtful when he simply replied and said, 'Will you never come first?' We need to encourage our children, build them up, affirm them, appreciate them, accept them.

A lack of consistency or a lack of encouragement can hurt or damage our children. Paul says - don't do that. Don't behave in such a way that you unthinkingly hurt your kids and if you do hurt them, be big enough to apologise and try harder next time.

But then the second thing we should do is help our children reach their full potential in God. Embracing discipline and a life of learning. The Greek word that Paul uses for 'discipline' is paideia and it means to nurture and train for the whole of life. It's about building in positive values and morals, helping our children make good and thought-through decisions as they grow in wisdom in their journey from childhood to adulthood.

There's a whole bunch of research that's been performed over the years by psychologists that tell us that the best parenting style combines the right mix of warmth, love and respect combined WITH firm boundaries.

Sue Palmer in her brilliant book, Toxic Childhood, says that there are four broad styles of parenting.

The best style is authoritative where parents treat their children with great warmth and nurture, which means giving plenty of time and loving attention, listening to them, responding to their concerns etc BUT also firmness/discipline and control, which is about ensuring there are rules and routines to create security and safety e.g. regular meal times, bedtimes, monitoring TV etc.

We have this HUGE responsibility to take care of our children. We all share in this, whether you have children or not!

Paul reminds us, work hard to ensure that your behavior and decisions are not badly affecting your children. Work hard to ensure that you're focused on helping your child reach their potential, through nurture and boundaries.

This stuff is so important because how we treat our children will determine who they will become when they get older - as we're reminded in this famous poem:

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns what envy is.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with recognition, he learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with sharing, he learns about generosity.
If a child lives with honesty and fairness, he learns what truth and justice are.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to find love in the world.
With what is your child living?

Paul says in Ephesians 6:4 - don't blow your kids up, build them up.

It's the most important thing you'll ever do!