Ephesians 6:10-18

Suzie Brock

I used to deal with depression and thoughts of suicide.

It would come on me like a cramp in the brain, a contraction that brings tears and wincing. Nothing directly wrong and yet everything wrong. A sense of hopelessness, uselessness, lack of control or purpose. So overwhelming that it would push me into a default position of 'wishing I was not'.

I always knew it was a selfish and self indulgent thought, a total and compete copout but I didn't go there because I wanted to, it was a product of the 'cramp'.

I don't know if it began from some deep trauma in my childhood, probably a natural assumption but certainly nothing I can remember. Maybe it was just my physical makeup, my DNA, a physiological anomaly in my brain. Inevitably during these attacks I would be at my weakest and like a drowning person I would panic and tend to lash out at the one's closest to me, unintentionally pulling them down in order to save myself. You don't actually think about drowning anyone when you're sinking, you're just desperate to survive. Needless to say that leads the circumstances to intensify the trauma and the drama. I hated this weakness, I hated it so much that it would cause me to despise my very being. In my youth it used to lead me to 'hurting' myself physically. As a teenager I found myself in the sadly not uncommon practice of 'cutting'. A strange and pitiful phenomenon, one I have never studied nor am qualified to write about. From there my guilt compiled with the already drowning feelings would bring such hatred for my lack of self control, such disgust for the weakness, that I was left with the overwhelming longing to be gone. I would visualize myself being 'erased'.

A vicious cycle.

Well, with that confession, can I say that I am no longer there. It's not that the invitations don't come because they do, it's because I have acquired some weapons in my life to fight the old 'default' place'.

This equipping, the savoring of victories over this demon have given me purpose that adds yet another tool to the weaponry of my warfare. A wonderful synergetic perk to my dilemma.

Seems now when I am being driven to that place, when the cramps and attacks so to speak begin, it now fuels a positive outrage and at the same time the energy seems to convert to an unusual desire to fight. Why? Because I have tasted victory, I have won a few and it felt more than good, it felt great. I have experienced life minus the demon, and it is as good as they say it can be, it is completely obtainable through knowing Christ.
I can almost hear the thoughts of more educated minds diagnosing me as "bipolar' 'manic depressive'.

Maybe, maybe not, problems are problems, sickness is sickness. The weapons I've found seem not to distinguish or diagnose, they just aid in the fight. The same yesterday, today and forever....nothing new under the sun...a constant help in times of trouble...greater in me is He than anything that is in the world....in my weakness He is made strong...think on these things. These truths from the Bible have become a part of my arsenal, my tool's. My weapons, my armor!

This is it, the 'it' that we all look for, the hope that drives us to continue being, a thrown life line for rescue.

For me the availability for counsel, the knowledge that I could go to someone for help, the tools offered by wiser humans was sometimes not enough when I needed it, helpful but not enough. I'm not opposed to outside help, by all means if you're 'there' and you can get help, get it! But in all your outside help it will still come down to you in those lonely moments. Who will you be when no one else is there, how will you survive the onslaught? When well spoken words by wise and caring friends and councilors is not enough to propel you from the grips of your adversary, what will? There is something to be said of war, there has to be. Surely there is a reason people engage in it, must it actually be a means to an end? If the end is an end to the torment of spirit and soul and warring is the way in which to get there, then equip me for battle!

I see now a warrior princess mounting a strong and eager steed, she being as ready and eager as her ride. Armed with a banner and the weapons of her warfare held in
her heart and the truth of love and hope reflected in her eyes. Readiness springs from the whirls of dust flying from the feet of her warhorse. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but I trust in the name of the Lord.

An assurance that is simply supernatural. There is nothing greater than the knowledge that the war will not be fought alone and that the victory is a waiting prize ready for the taking.

Triumph is only a battle away.

This is a war that can and has already been won, the victory found in the hands of the Victor Jesus Christ. The inexplicable beauty of this truth is that Christ won the battle for you and for me, we have only to ask to be part of the win. Call out to God, receive His Son, take up the weapons of warfare, the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. Own the victory for yourself, learn to live a life rich and satisfying.

Fight to win.

A passage from The Message: Ephesians 6:10-18

A Fight to the Finish
'And that about wraps it up, God is strong, and He wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep your spirits up so that no-one falls behind or drops out.'