Saturday 7th November 2009

by Paul Poulton

Paul Poulton

I met my wife Lorraine 22 years ago. She had prayed for Mr Right to come into her life and sure enough here I came, Mr Right, AKA Paul Poulton, knocking on her door to take her out on a blind date. We went to a restaurant in Birmingham (UK) called La Gondola. We had a disagreement that first night, she thought people should get married because God tells them to and I thought people should get married because they love each other. We both liked the way we could offer differing opinions without the atmosphere getting tense. I asked her back to my house for coffee to continue our argument. She went quiet for a few seconds then said, "Yeah, okay". We soon began to thoroughly enjoy our time together; we laughed, talked and prayed together, there was of course plenty of love and affection of a physical type and many terms of endearment expressed in letters and cards. Just over two years later we got married. Not many people would say that being married is an easy thing, but it can be so rewarding. It's like a new garden of a house that you have just bought; in fact the well tended garden may be one of the reasons you bought the house. Two people's love for each other looks great, it blooms and blossoms, it's as if it has just happened by itself. But even relationships made in heaven can run into trouble if not looked after. Your new garden looks great but unless you tend it by getting the weeds out and cut the grass it can soon end up looking like a wilderness. Many people start out thinking their love will get them through because it's so strong; two lovers maybe so attracted to each other that they leap into marriage thinking it will always be that way. Yet on many levels a marriage must be tended to or it can end up like a wilderness.

So here are a few gardening tips for married people:

1 There's no way we can expect life to go on as if we are still single. I like the bedroom window open my wife likes it shut. What do we do? On hot nights we have it open on cold nights we close it. It's a compromise and it works.

2 Life gets hectic, we are busy people, we don't see each other enough. I'm a musician and sometimes tour. What do we do? We make sure we put time aside to be with each other, to look into each others face and talk and listen. When one of us is out of the country we email daily.

3 When we were going out with each other, we wanted to jump on each others bones. Now we are married we watch TV instead. What do we do? We try our best to keep looking attractive, we don't over eat, we exercise regularly and we have fun when the day is done.

4 It used to be so easy to get along with each other, we could disagree without getting disagreeable. What do we do? I ask my wife to be especially nice to me and show me some grace when I'm tired because I get grumpy. She asks me to be extra nice and forbearing when she's hungry or just waking up. What do we do? We are extra nice to each other at those times.

5 We never used to have any secrets but tell each other everything, now I'm tempted to hide some things. What do we do? We tell each other everything, no holds barred, that's the rules. Being married means we are two who have become one, we can't hide things. (This is very important.)

6 The lady in the cake shop told me she likes it when I go into the shop. What do we do? I told Lorraine of course and Lorraine told me to stop going to the cake shop, so I did. I told Lorraine not to go to the cake shop and to put that weapon down.

7 We used to laugh so easily and life seemed carefree, now we're married life can become drudgery with the school run, meals to prepare, jobs to do and bills to pay. What do we do? We try to see the funny side of everyday, humour is one of God's gifts to the human race. We don't want to lose it and if you don't use it you...

8 Lorraine used to be happy to come to my gigs now she wants to stay at home. I used to be interested in watching her buy clothes. What do we do? Sometimes Lorraine will surprise me by turning up at a concert. Sometimes I will say those three most precious words, "Let's go shopping".

I wrote a song called "Married People" you can hear it at www.myspace.com/paulpoultonproject

The opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those held by Cross Rhythms. Any expressed views were accurate at the time of publishing but may or may not reflect the views of the individuals concerned at a later date.

About Paul Poulton

Paul is a singer/songwriter, author and speaker. He records and tours solo and with his band, the Paul Poulton Project in the UK, US and Europe playing rhythmic and expressive songs. He has written four books including “Genesis for Ordinary People.”

View all articles by Paul Poulton

Reader Comments

Posted by Robyn Vitson in Westmont, IL @ 15:36 on Dec 14 2009

Paul is dead on when he commented on the ups and downs of marriage and how you have to do things you don't necessarily want to do for your spouse to keep your marriage alive and you have to compromise. It is never easy to keep a marriage alive and Satan is always trying to break up marriages and he is GOOD at it unfortunately. I say, don't ever take your spouse for granted, keep the humor in your relationship and keep looking up to the Lord for help and your marriage, like a well watered garden, will flourish! A marriage is a work in progress, like our relationship with the Lord!

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Posted by Jack Reaster in Springfield, Ohio USA @ 18:43 on Nov 9 2009

Well said. Other useful phrases:

" No, that doesn't make you look fat "
" You're right dear "
" I was wrong "
" You were right "
Among others...works every time!

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Posted by Les W. in Willenhall @ 16:22 on Nov 9 2009

Great advice Paul. Marriage is about patience, sacrifice and giving because you love, not in the expectation of getting something in return. For example; buying flowers on a whim; making the coffee when she asks (even though it's the fourth consecutive one you've made) and with a smile on your face; giving a foot massage on request (even though you know she wouldn't touch yours with a barge pole) - and never let a day go by without at least one hug and kiss!

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Posted by Noel in Yorkshire @ 21:40 on Nov 8 2009

I remember you once saying 'The grass looks greener on the other side, but it still needs cutting!'
I agree with you about marriage, it needs lots of work and when the weeds grow and strangle the relationship we need to take extra care to tender to the marriage.

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Posted by Mike Gaul in Alburtis, Pa USA @ 20:43 on Nov 8 2009

I enjoyed the theme of the article. Cultivating a relationship or a marriage requires attention for even a small detail, just like a garden. What people put or plant in their own garden is up to them. Mr. Poulton hits on many important points. Communication is right up top in my opinion. There are no crossed signals, (another song title for you Paul...) and the threat of a dispute is stopped before it can do damage to a person's feelings. People often marry for attraction first and then everything else second. Having married someone that way the first time, I can tell you it didn't end so well. The second time I'm happy to report was based on love, as well as asking an imortant question. "Do I like this person I'm with right now?" I answered Yes. It's been 6 years of rough and smooth waters, but my wife and I love and like each other. Lastly humor is a great way to add to each others lives, often removing problems from becoming burdens. Laughter is a gift from God, and should be cultivated as well. I perform stand-up comedy on a weekly basis, I have had more then one couple come up to me after I was done my set and tell me that despite their own problems, they were able to laugh and enjoy themselves. That makes me feel great!! May all of you and your "Better-Halfs" always set time aside to cultivate your personal gardens.

Once again a great article, and great writing Paul Poulton!!!

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Posted by Gill in Near where Paul lives @ 17:10 on Nov 8 2009

Very good article. I particulalrly like tip No 6. Slightly disagree with tip No 5. if I or my hubby are privvy to confidential stuff from counselling others we don't always share that with each other. Still I wouldn't call that having a secret from my him.
I also tell single people that when you marry you swap some advantages and disadvantages for other advantages and disadvantages. That the single state and the married state are both good. Bless you Paul

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Posted by Rick in Chicago, Illinois U.S. @ 15:31 on Nov 7 2009

Beth & I have been married 23 years this year. Even though we dated a year & a half before getting married, there are always things to learn about a person when you have to live under the same roof. Dating & living apart is easy. Now you have someone under your roof with completely different ideas about organizing. I'm meticulous & organized. My wife is nonchalant. I believe in getting a chore done and over. My wife, "I'll do it later". I like to get places early & not be pressured. My wife thinks our car is a time machine and defys the effect of time in the known universe. The first 5 years was really hard. Faith in The Lord & understanding the patience & forgiveness He abounded over us as sinners is a great example of how to treat each other in the relationship. We weren't practicing believers at the beginning of our journey, but now, the faith we have is a great tool and guide. After about 10 years its like we know each other too well. I can't even suprise her on her birthday or anniversary anymore. She knows me too well. The best thing to be is spontaneous. If I'm out looking at band equipment or purchasing tools for a job, I always bring home a small surprise for her like a plant or a good bottle of wine. She's very appreciative. Long story short, embrace your differences and ponder the thought, " Would you enjoy living with you?"

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Posted by Cate in USA @ 14:39 on Nov 7 2009

This is a wonderful article, marriage is an ever changing "garden", sometimes only one under goes a change, in the beginning neither one is close to God, then one is drawn to God through Christ. That one can't change the other, but doesn't want to leave, so those helpful hints on tending the "garden" come in very handy. Who better to show the mercy and grace that Jesus taught, than to one's spouse!

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Posted by Karl in Staffs, UK @ 11:12 on Nov 7 2009

Great article—very well observed, and some good tips.

That woman in the cake shop sounds like a right femme fatale.

Concerning Point 2, I travel a lot, and a great way to make cheap international calls, with no set up or anything, is http://www.telediscount.co.uk/ It only costs about 2p/minute for my wife to phone my hotel phone (so we don't even have to pay for the incoming calls, which you would do when calling a landline). Skype can be great too, but requires a bit more technical knowhow.

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Posted by Brian Jewkes in DUDLEY @ 10:46 on Nov 7 2009

I was tempted to put down my immediate thoughts on marriage.Thankfully i wised up before i did. I like being married and want to stay that way. I m not fond of sleeping in the dog kennel either. l.o.l

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Gardening Tips For Married People

by Paul Poulton

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